Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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