Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
