quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
