I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
