I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
