so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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