i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
