maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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