I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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