I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
