i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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