Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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