I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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