And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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