You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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