I have demons in me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
