Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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