I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
