So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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