it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
