1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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