i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
