I just pynch a tree in the face
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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