Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
