my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
