it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
