I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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