Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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