I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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