Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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