There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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