that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
