I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im holly from the hills drunk
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
