My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
