I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
