Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Congratulations! We have a period
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