11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've blown a few things in my day
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
