the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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