just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
