Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
