if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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