Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
