He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
