She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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