If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
