Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
