You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
false alarm, still single
Randomize
