Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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