Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?