I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Holy shit dude........stairs
its liver damage thursday
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
