Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
