You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
