Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
