I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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