No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
