He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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