i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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