i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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